Karma Police

2 Sep

About a year ago one of my best friends cousins contacted me saying he had seen me on facebook loved what he saw and wanted to take me out for dinner. Who was I turn down such an offer and in the back of my mind I was thinking this could be “the one” what a great story to tell the kids The date was a hit, he was a successful average kinda looking guy who got my quirky sense of humour and offered to pay for dinner. Massive ticks from me!

During the date he kept saying we have such a connection. After he dropped me home (Which turned out to be a disaster when I got out of his car and my dress ripped causing a massive fart noise) he called 4 days later asking for another date and we talked on the phone for about 1 hour telling silly stories. So Sunday was the day we were to meet, of course I had organised the appropriate beauty regime leading up to the second date. An hour before the date my date texts to say he was really sorry but very sick and wouldn’t be able to make the date. Fair enough I thought, we all have sick days. The following Wednesday he contacted me again asked if I would like to final catch up, again we organised another Sunday date. Like dejavu the guy once again an hour before the date cancelled on me via text message again with the excuse he was sick. Again he contacted me and asked me for another date and once again he stood me up.

What was his caper??? I thought. Anyway after another week I received an email saying he had had a break down and that’s why he was always cancelling on me. Right I thought I can handle this, the poor guy was very successful and owned a very highly reputable business. He said he was going away for a bit to relax and when he got back we would once again try to catch up. About a two months later I still hadn’t heard anything from him, as it happened his cousin (my BFF) was out from New Zealand competing in a race. I went to go and watch her and who was there? He was and he wasn’t alone! He was with his ridiculously hot Brazilian girlfriend. She resembled Matthew McConaughey girlfriend, I mean she was super hot! Last week I was looking at my friends recent photos and it seems the average looking rich dude with the hot Brazilian are still together looking rather happy too! Then I gotta thinking, is there such a thing as dating Karma? I mean I had been nothing but nice, returned his texts and calls. I’d also been really concerned about his health and he was the one that ended up happy and with some hot as partner. I mean come to think of it I’m always nice to my dates, if I want to be friends and there is nothing else there I don’t lead them on, I just tell them straight.

Surely my good karma should pay off sooner or later right?


Did you peak at high school?

2 Aug

Recently I was scrolling through my facebook doing the daily stalk and I came across the (used to be!) hottest girl at my high school. Not surprisingly she wasn’t smart enough to make her profile private so I was able to look at all the photos she had posted. As I analysed her photos to the enth degree, I realised something that really put a smile on my face. What was it you ask? Well The hottest girl at school who everyone wanted to look like and secretly hated because every boy dreamed being with her, well she was no longer hot. It wasn’t that she had gained 50 pounds or that she had something misfortunate happen to her face. No she had simply just lost her looks.

 How could this be? where could they have gone? And then in the words of Carrie Bradshaw “I gotta thinking” about all the other so called cool/ beautiful girls at my school wondering where in the world that had ended up, and did they still have that X factor that they thought they had. To do my research once again I hopped on facebook, I mean even though half of them would probably avoid me like the plague if I ever bumped into them in the supermarket they had asked me to be friends with them on the good old fb (Lets be honest they just wanted their numbers up to look popular). As I once again scrolled through the multitude of photos of these girls I realised that 99% of them had peaked at high school. Their best years were at high school. None of them had attempted to move out of our small country town, they had married boy racers or bogans and all that smoking they had done at school, well they had just become plane addicted now and their skin for 28 years old looked more like a 35 year old.

So I gotta thinking. I never peaked at high school I just kinda always blended into the background. Does this mean that I will eventually get my peak? And if so when will that be I’m nearly 30? And if you peaked at high-school can you continue to maintain your peak or is it more like a bell curve and you have to wait for everything to go down hill? Are there some people that NEVER peak? Is your ‘peak’ something that depends on what other people think or what you think of yourself? I guess I’ll have to wait and see. And pray to GOD that I never peaked at primary school! Watch this space!

Blind Confidence

2 Aug

So I’m not one to ever turn down an opportunity to go on a blind date. I mean if one of your good friends says ‘I’ve met a great guy that would be perfect for you’, who am I to turn down a chance to meet the potential man of my dreams? So when my friend (who will remain nameless) called me and said she had this great guy who needed a date to his mid Christmas work function I jumped at the chance. Whilst we were on the phone she rattled through the list of his credentials, works as an engineer, into the outdoors and funny. Perfect I thought, this guy sounds just up my alley.

So It was all organised, I would meet him at a local bar on the waterfront before going to his function. Walking into the bar I saw a guy that was nice enough looking sitting on a bar stool, in the clothes that he had told me he would be wearing so I could easily identify him. After taking my jacket off and talking to him for about 5 minutes he offered to get me a drink. That’s when he got off his bar stool and at that moment I realised my friend had set me up with an actual drawf!

 Now I have nothing against dwarfs, they need love just like anybody else. But picture this, I’m a tall girl (5 foot 10 inches) plus I have heels on making me to be close to six foot. While my date is lucky to be push 5 feet! As he walked to the bar to order me a wine, it reminded me of the last scene out of the movie BIG. Where Tom Hanks character reverts back into a 9 year old child and he is wearing oversized adult suit walking up to his parents front door. Or the scene from Sex and the City when Samantha realises her date wears kids clothes, never the less I was determined to still have a great night and enjoy the free alcohol and company.

After dinner a band started to play to which my vertically challenged date asked me if I would like to dance. Despite his height he was very much the gentleman. Whilst we were dancing It was like I had magnetic arms I couldn’t help myself. With in a matter of seconds I had grabbed my mini me and pulled him under my arm pit giving him a noogie! I have no idea what came over me, It could of been the bottle of wine but still!

That isnt the worst part, he still thought it might work and when he pulled me in for a kiss I had to stop him right there and say ‘Look, I like you, but I’m massive and you’re not, I dont think this is going to work’ The worst part is it was a really good date, and I’m not heightist or anything, I’m an equal opportunity dater and I quite often date guys shoter than me, but this guy felt like more of a friend than a love match.

Anyway I guess the lesson I learnt from this date was a) don’t always trust your friend to have the perfect match for you and b) always wear flats on a blind date.


2 Aug

So here I am; 28 years old and hopelessly single.

My longest relationship thus far has lasted 6 months and this was to a guy that turned out to be gay (but that’s another story all together). I have decided that this year, is going to be THE year! This year is where my ‘Mr right’ will come along and say ‘Where the hell have you been all of my life?’

I know that you’re thinking that I must be one of ‘THOSE’ girls. You know the type that you see and you go ‘yep I know why you’re single!’ (come on we all do it). We see those girls that are clingy, neurotic, overweight, lacking in personality, with unfortunate looks or are loud and obnoxious and could pass for truckers, and yet for some bizarre reason, they seem to be the ones that end up getting married and have their picture featured in their hometown newspaper. Well I have none of these characteristics. In actual fact, I have surveyed many of my friends (even bribed them with money) to tell me exactly what is wrong with me. Other than a few comments about my longer than average chin, nobody could come up with anything! Nil, zit, zero.
I have a good job, great friends, a gay BFF (who I would marry if I could) and I run for charity. I mean, come on!

Now I’m probably making it sound as though I believe that being single is completely awful, but there are some plus sides to not having a other half.
Firstly not having to shave your legs every day. Who is going to care if you look like a cavewoman?

If you can’t be bothered painting your toe nails and you have to wear open toe shoes, just paint the two toe nails that are sticking out (no one will ever know). Just like no one will ever know that your favourite underwear has no elastic in the waist and that you sing and dance to The Sound of Music.

However there are some downsides:
The Shoulder to Cry On: If you are single, you get calls or visits at all hours of the morning about your friends fighting with their boyfriends or they are losing sleep because they miss their ex-boyfriend. Doesn’t matter what the problem is, if you are single you become the official shoulder to cry on, it’s not as if you have anything better to do!!!

The Seat Filler: You receive calls at the last minute to go to weddings, engagement parties or sit down dinners because someone is sick or has pulled out and you are the only single person they know. It always leaves me wondering why I wasn’t on the invite list in the first place!
What happens if you just want to listen to break up music, but you don’t even have anyone to think of! Nobody wants to hang out with a drunken girl singing ‘All By Myself’ on karaoke.

Oh and then there are those classic lines of dialogue that if you have been single for long enough you would have heard millions of times from your parents and friends.
“The right one hasn’t come along yet”
‘When you stop looking that’s when you’ll find him”
“Perhaps your expectations are too high”
And worse still, there is the single Christmas and single New Year holidays. The lonely leftover. The person who gets nominated to sit next to all the single friends of your friends or family. Those poor individuals who remain single due to: gingivitis, bad skin/hair/dress sense or a combination of all or they may have mother issues, father issues, ex-Girlfriend issues, no sense of humour, no sense of humour yet think their really funny, and the list goes on. Well I say NO! Not this year! I am making a stand.
Times are changing I will NOT cave to singledom forever!
Watch this space!!!

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2 Aug

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